A/N - Happy Birthday, Kari! Here’s the first chapter of a short Sam/Bella fic I’m writing just for you. Hope you like it :)
“I want to die,” I gasped. I should’ve been dead. The ground was cold, and I curled into a gulley in the earth, allowing it to cradle me like a grave. This was where I was supposed to die; I was certain of it. Silently, I prayed for the earth to swallow me whole. Oh, god, I couldn’t... I just refused to deal with the anguish of losing him.
In that moment, I knew Tennyson had it wrong. It wasn’t better to have loved and lost than to have never loved. If I’d never loved him, I wouldn’t be wishing for my death. I’d been to Heaven, and living without him was living in Hell.
At least my body was frozen and numb with shock. It was a comforting kind of impotency, and I clung to the anesthesia.
In the distance I heard the lonely cry of a wolf and wondered if he would be my salvation... and I, his dinner.
“Come and find me,” I challenged, my voice barely a feeble whisper above the unmistakable sound of paws padding over leaves. “Make it quick.”
But just as fast as the footsteps came, they retreated, and I whimpered, “Come back. Bring me my death!”
“Shh, you don’t want to die.”
Strong, warm arms found me in my cold death bed. I shuddered against them, denying myself the comfort. This was where I wanted to be interred – here in the space Edward abandoned me. My heart turned to ash the moment he stopped loving me. I wanted the rest of my body to become dust too.
“Leave me alone,” I whispered.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Bella,” he assured me. “Do you know who I am?”
“S-Sam,” I stuttered, my teeth chattering.
“That’s right.” He pulled me into his lap and rubbed my arms with his hands, melting my frozen back by holding me flush against his chest. Heat positively radiated all over and around me. “I’m not going to let you die out here, so get that idea out of your head.”
I shook my head petulantly, softening into his embrace. I couldn’t help myself. The heat was just too inviting. Later. I’d find ways to stop the pain later. Now, all I wanted was this heat.
“So warm,” I whispered, pressing my cheek against his bare chest. His skin was smooth and smelled slightly sweet - like cedar and rain.
“Bella...” His voice cracked under an emotion I didn’t understand. “Please, look at me?”
I didn’t want to open my eyes. “Just hold me,” I pleaded. “My eyes hurt.”
“Alright,’ he relented, tightening his embrace. “We can’t stay outside for much longer or you’ll freeze. I’m gonna take you home.”
“No!” My eyes popped open. “N-No, I can’t go home.” If he took me home I’d be forced to deal with the reality of what had happened. I couldn’t do it... not yet. “Anywhere else, but not home.” I gripped his neck as stood, holding onto me like I was no more than a rag doll in his arms.
Unlike cold marble, he was flesh and muscle and heat. I could feel his heart pumping blood through his veins when I pressed my fingers into his neck. He was so human. So masculine. So... different.
“Take me to La Push. Where’s your car?” My teeth chattered against him, and I brushed my mouth and nose over his collar bone.
“I don’t have it with me.”
“How did you get to Forks then?”
“I, um, ran.” He brushed my frozen hair away from my face and looked at me strangely. Actually, his entire face looked quite odd - ethereal almost. His eyes had a luminous quality to them; the light from the moon seemed to reach nothing else but his pupils, making them shine. There was barely any moon out. How was it possible that he shone like a beacon in the shadow of night?
“How? How did you run the entire way?”
“Bella... I need to tell you something. Now’s not the right time though. I need to get you somewhere warmer.”
I was a leaf on the wind, nodding weakly in his arms as he carried me through the dense, dark woods. The wind howled and I keened as it sliced through my body. His warmth brought my frozen body to life, forcing blood to pump stubbornly back into my extremities.
“Please,” I begged, not knowing what I was asking for. “Please keep me warm. I can’t-- I’m too cold to keep moving. Could we just stay here?”
“Shit,” Sam swore, dropping carefully to his knees. “Shit,” he repeated helplessly. “What other choice do I have?”
Was he asking me? His eyes belied that he was struggling with something.
“Close your eyes and count to ten, okay?” He set me down on the ground, and I swallowed a sob, lamenting the loss of his delicious warmth. “Don’t be afraid,” he pleaded, lowering to his knees and cupping my chin in his palm. “When you open them... whatever you see, don’t be afraid.”
I closed my eyes and counted: one, two, three...
The heat receded, and I let out a surprised cry as cold air stung my face where his hand had been.
“Sam,” I whispered.
“I’m here.” His voice came from behind me, but I couldn’t see him. “Keep counting.”
“Four, five, six... come back, Sam. I’m cold.”
“I’m coming. Don’t be afraid when you see me again.”
I didn’t question what he was saying. My head was spinning like a dervish, my mind racing with terrible thoughts. But somewhere in the fugue of my desperation, there was a calm. Sam’s embrace was inexplicably comforting. I was reeling. Being with him out here was like finding solace in the eye of a storm.
“Seven, eight, nine... I’m confused,” I muttered, groping blindly for his warmth and keeping my eyes stubbornly closed like he’d asked. “Sam, I don’t really know you, but I feel so safe in your arms... ten.”
Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me. I opened my eyes and screamed. Oh, god; Death had found me.
A giant black beast lowered to his haunches before descending upon me like a shadow, draping his heavy body over me
“Please,” I wailed, thrashing beneath his weight. A low sound rumbled in his throat like a purr, and a hot blast of air pushed through his muzzle, billowing out into the cold air like smoke.
I thought I was ready to die, but as I stared into the beast’s yellow eyes, I thought of Sam and didn’t want to give up.
I wanted to live.
In the surreal realm between dreams and delusion, I had a vision of a giant black wolf. He kept me safe and warm throughout the night, thawing my frozen bones and stunted heart. When I awoke, the wolf was replaced with Sam, and the woods had transformed into a bedroom.
Groggy and confused, I stretched and rolled away from him, only to have him pull me back against his naked torso.
“Bella,” Sam whispered in his sleep. “I love you.”
I love you.
The nightmare returned to me then. Love. Life. Everything. Gone.
Except in the wake of the storm, I no longer remembered the pain with such clarity. The pain was replaced with the strangest compulsion.
“Sam,” I whispered, rolling over to face him. Closing my eyes, I followed my instincts, pressing my mouth to his neck.
“Hey,” he said, sighing. “How’re you feeling?”
“Good,” I replied, continuing to nuzzle into the crook of his neck. “Really good.”
“Ahhh...” His hands encircled my waist, resting on the small of my back. “You feel so good right there... so perfect.”
Nothing in my universe made sense anymore.
“Why do I want you like this?” Before I knew what I was doing, I found myself on top of him, straddling his hips. I kissed a line from his jaw to his ear and moaned when I felt his erection twitch beneath me through his jeans. “I don’t understand...”
“I can explain it to you, baby, but not in the position we’re currently in.” But he made no move to push me off him. In fact, he grabbed my waist even tighter, pulling me down against the growing bulge between his hips.
The compulsion transformed into a conviction: I needed to make love to Sam. Despite everything I thought I knew about myself, I’d never known true need before until this very moment. I’d die if he rejected me.
“Please,” I whispered.
“I need you.”
“What do you need?” he ground out, letting his hands wander up my stomach to my ribs, his fingers barely grazing the undersides of my breasts. My nipples tightened almost painfully, and I arched my back, encouraging him to touch them.
“Please... make love to me.”
“Fuck,” he swore, squeezing his eyes shut. “I really think we need to talk first.”
“Please,” I begged pathetically. I lifted myself up a little, only to drag my crotch over his, once, twice, and again, working myself into a frenzy of lust. “I need to feel you inside of me.” I pulled my shirt over my head before he could say anything and palmed my breasts over my bra. My entire body overheated. Every nerve ending was alive and screaming for his touch. “Fuck me, Sam.” I reached behind me and unhooked my bra, watching his eyes widen in appreciation as my breasts spilled forward.
“Oh, shit.” He pulled me over him so my torso was flush against his, my breasts flattening against his chest. “You feel so good.” He lifted his hips off the bed, and I could hear the rustling of his jeans. “I want you so much.”
“Then take me,” I pleaded.
He growled and flipped me onto my back, burying his face into my neck. His hot tongue stroked my flesh, and he kissed along my neck, blowing air onto the skin as he licked. I felt my entire body erupt into goosebumps.
“More.” I reached down to undo my pants and wriggled out of them as he continued to assault my neck with the sweetest kisses. When my legs wrapped around his hips, his mouth found mine. His lips parted against my own. I sucked his lower lip between mine and then darted the tip of my tongue into his mouth.
“Now, Sam... I need you.”
“No, Bella. I need to tell you first...”
“I don’t care...” I was a woman possessed. Whatever he had to tell me could wait.
He groaned and positioned himself where I craved him most. “I need to tell you about imprinting,” he whispered.